A Bitterly Cold Morning at Planned Parenthood

I arrived at Planned Parenthood a little after nine this morning. There were three others there already, the other sidewalk counselor, a a retired nurse in her sixties, and two prayer partners, one a retired Marine (I don't know much about the other prayer partner as I've only seen her there a few times). It wa a bitterly cold morning and despite wearing layers of clothing, I had forgotten gloves and was chilled to the bone, but fortunatr sidewalk counselor had packed extra gloves and things and for that I was grateful. and Shortly after I arrived, they began to say the Sorrowful Mysteries of the Rosery and Planned Parenthood clients began to pull in. One of the prayer partners offered me a rosary, however I declined. I stood on the side of the drive and offered our literature and help to women driving in, however very few stopped today. Indeed, it was a bitter and cold morning.

Update: This was to be my last day sidewalk counseling due to a series of morning appointments and picking up more hours in the morning in home health work. I am grateful for the time I had speaking with the other sidewalk counselors and prayer partners and the opportunity to work on the front lines reaching out to help women in a crisis pregnancy.

New Years Resolutions and Changes

Just wanted to drop in and let my readers and visitors know blogging will be light over the next several months, as I'm making some major changes in my life right now. It's nothing radical, my New Years Resolution is to get healthier, but it's personal and I'm not ready to discuss it publicly at this point.

All I Want for Christmas...

As the holidays come upon us, in my family, the question, "So what do you want for Christmas?" and the topic of the intermediate family gift exchange arises. The store shelves are full and the television is blaring ads for toys, gaming systems, fishing and outdoor equipment, electronics, etc. I haven't given much thought to this, although sure I'd like a Nintendo Wii, Amazon Kindle, books, compact discs (CDs), or digital video discs (DVDs), but I stand in my home and look around and am reminded of more immediate needs: my husband and I need new clothing and shoes to replace that which no longer fits and is worn out, my husband's broken hearing aids needs replaced, our broken vacuum cleaner needs replaced, we need new drinking glasses to replace those which have broken over the years, we need food in our refrigerator and cupboards, my husband's car needs multiple and expensive repairs (as it's with a barely functioning heater this winter and it's brake rotors need replaced). So in a sense, I guess I've grown up, matured, and gained new perspectives. Christmas and even life is no longer about what we want, but rather about what we need to get by in our every day needs. So in conclusuion, I don't want anything for Christmas this year, although clothing would be nice, and of course to spend time with my friends and family.

My Depression Story (Updated)

There has been a request at a discussion blog I frequent to learn more about my story, surrounding my depression and suicide attempts. This is a sensitive topic and so be aware that this may not be appropriate for younger audiences. I'm opening up here to the public, which I've not done before, to educate, bring awareness, and fight stigma/shame, and so I only ask for a listening ear and for you to withhold judgment.

Millions of Americans, including an estimated one in five families are affected by mental illness: major depression (beyond "the blues"), schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, panic and anxiety disorders and other disorders, which disrupts a person’s thinking, feeling, mood, ability to relate to others, and daily functioning. Mental illness is a biologically based brain disease believed to be caused by an imbalance in neurotransmitters, the naturally occurring chemicals in our brains which effect our moods, thoughts/behaviors, & movements. (A PET scan, measuring the  neurotransmitters in the brain, which show a brain with decreased activity due to depression can be seen alongside a PET scan of a normal brain here.) Just as diabetes or heart disease, mental illness is a medical condition, which can result in serious life-disrupting symptoms and as a result, a diminished capacity for coping with the ordinary demands of life, without treatment. I am one individual with a mental illness. I have major depressive disorder. This is my story.

The summer after my high school graduation, we took a road trip out west to see my older sister and her family, stopping at national monuments and landmarks along the way. During the trip, I couldn't explain why I was unusually irritable/moody & withdrawn, but I just contributed it up to hormonal changes. That fall, I began college for the first time. I had a great social life there, but was struggling with time management and academics. I struggled & fell behind in classes, but plodded through. I chucked it up to my struggles with Attention Deficit Disorder, which I've had since childhood & decided try to my ADD medicine, a low dose of the anti-depressant Wellbutrin, again for a month in hopes it would help my academic performance. Well, it didn't seem to help, so I gave up on it & stopped taking it by September. What I didn't realize was that medicine was the only thing keeping me from falling over the brink from blues to full blown major depression. I went home for midterm break in October, and felt even more sad, and very argumentative/irritable, but still thinking it was just the blues, didn't reach out to family. The night I arrived back from midterm break, I was sitting in the dorm lounge & thoughts of cutting entered my head, but I pushed them away, dismissing the idea as ridiculous. As the night went on, I began to have thoughts of dying which I could no longer push away and became more intense. I became frightened and sought help from my resident advisor in the middle of the night. They removed anything I could hurt myself with from my room and the following morning, I was escorted by my resident advisor & resident hall director to the student counseling center, where I was evaluated and started seeing a counselor. I was diagnosed by the counselor as having a major depressive episode. I thought the stress from trying to balance school and life triggered the depressive episode and so agreed with my counselor's suggestion that leaving school would be in my best interest. I moved back home with my parents, but I saw it as a personal failure.

The following spring, I landed a job in fast food, working full time and my depression didn't return. By the fall of 2003, I was ready to try college again, this time at a small community college away from home, where I got help with both life skills and my learning disability. I did better in my academics and had normal ups and downs with depression, but more good days than bad. My second year I decided to take on an active role in the campus ministry. Looking back, it was a mistake, on top of the demands of school, the commitments of the campus ministry over-taxed me, took a toll my academics, and my depression became worse. At the first signs I was struggling, I immediately made an appointment to start seeing a counselor, but didn't improve during the time I was seeing her. Once again, I made the decision to drop out of school in January of 2005, but this time with plans to finish my degree at a later time.

After returning home to live with my parents, I lost my health insurance coverage because I was no longer a college student and private insurance was difficult and expensive to obtain with a preexisting depressive disorder. Anti-depressant therapy costs upward of $60-200 (at the original time of this writing), depending on the medications and therapy can cost upwards of $90-150 a session. We continued to pay for my medication out of pocket, however therapy was out of reach.

In June 2005, I landed my dream job at a library, only to loose it in September and with the realization that it was a hostile work environment and I wasn't suited for the job. Loosing my job on top of my other shortcomings and personal struggles was a big blow to my self esteem and self-confidence and so I sought out a counselor at the local community mental health clinic.

Clinics such as these are a vital part of our community, offering much needed mental health services.M ental illness can be maintain to the point individual can function in normal business and social activities. Treatment, therapy, sometimes medication may be needed.Peer groups are essential for sharing pressing concerns for positive feedback. Most people with serious mental illness, in addition to medication, rely on supportive counseling, peer support groups, assistance with housing, vocational rehabilitation, and other community services in order to achieve their highest level of recovery. At the clinic, I was able to see a therapist in addition to a nurse practitioner for medication on a sliding fee scale and my medication was affordable. However, like many community mental health clinics, they are under-staffed and poorly funded, which can result in poor quality of care.
In addition, persons with a mental illness are often faced with additional challenges in the workplace, in the home, and in the community due to barriers to obtaining treatment and hesistancy to seek treatment out of fear of what others would think due to stigma surrounding mental illness.
In November, I landed a new job at a small community library with the help of a family friend. In December, my counselor suggested maybe I would also benefit from medicine to help my depression and I started also seeing a nurse practitioner who prescribed a selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitor or SSRI. (Did you know, there are 40 different types of anti-depressants, every person's brain chemistry is slightly different and individuals respond differently to each medication. Usually the most effective treatment for depression is a combination of medication and therapy.) On the first night of the medication, I went ice skating with the family and felt great, energetic and even "normal" again. I started the new job at the library in January, but even with the job going well, I still struggled with self-doubts. After a few weeks, I stopped taking the medicine, due to the side effects and thinking I no longer needed it. Eventually my self doubts began to play like a tape in my head over and over enough to where I started believing myself to be a failure, and coupled with the shadow of depression, I began a downward spiral. (I can honestly say that during this time, I didn't understand my illness very well and the importance of staying on my medication).

On January 23rd, 2006 I made my first suicide attempt, while my parents were out of town. My then-boyfriend had called and sensed something was wrong over the phone and came over. He sat down next to me, facing me and reached over to hold my hands and we quietly sat there together. After a few minutes, I hesitantly told him about the suicide attempt, and in a panick and unsure of what to do, he called his parents, who came over. After calling and talking to my parents, he and his parents drove me to the hospital. At the ER registration desk when asked what I was needing to be seen for, I told them in a soft voice I had taken too much medicine. My boyfriend's mom then clarified I had overdosed. The nurse immediately called for a wheel-chair and I was taken back to a room right away. As I was wheeled through the ER to a room, I remember feeling ashamed, I wanted to hide under the hood of my sweatshirt, but didn't have the strength to lift my arms, which felt like they were encased in lead. A lot happened quickly, as they had me change into a hospital gown and hooked me up to a bunch of monitors. When it came time for the nurse to put in an IV, I struggled due to my innate fear of needles from a difficult blood draw when I was a child (later that week, I was grateful to be able to hide the bruising on my arm under the sleeves of a sweater). The doctor came in & asked some questions and shortly after, staff returned in protective masks & gowns. I knew what was coming next and became scared, asking my boyfriend or his mom to stay & hold my hand, but alas, they asked them to step out of the room. I'll never forget the name of the kit I saw on the bedside table: Tum-E-Vac.  I'd heard stories of what a horrible experience it was to have a stomach pumped and it was just that. They pumped my stomach and gave me activated charcoal through a wide, clear plastic tube inserted through my mouth and down into my stomach. It was traumatic, both emotionally and physically. Afterwords, a close family friend arrived & in kindness offered reassurance as she wiped my face with a cool cloth, which helped with the nausea. I was assisted to a shower & by the time I returned to my room, housekeeping had cleaned and changed my bedding, and my parents had arrived. One of the doctors came in and asked me a bunch of questions about my medical history and had me sign some forms. The family friend, my boyfriend, & my boyfriend's parents stayed another couple of hours before they said their goodbyes & went home for the night. My mom stayed with me and in the middle of the night, I was transferred up to the intensive care unit for observation. I can just remember thinking how surreal it all was as I was being transported upstairs. The next morning, the intensive care physician shared that he had battled & overcome depression, giving my parents & I hope. I also saw a kind psychologist from the hospital, who evaluated me. Because the stomach pumping procedure had shocked me out of suicidal thoughts, following an evaluation, the psychologist said it was ok to send me home, with a safety plan and follow-up care in place. I was discharged  that afternoon and one of the fortunate ones to be able to walk out of the intensive care on my own two feet.

After that experience, my parents took precautions such as checking with me every day for the first couple of weeks and ensuring my safety. As I felt better, I felt grateful for the help and support I received from my boyfriend's parents & the kind family friend who visited & got them flowers as a token of gratitude.

I was still able to continue to work afterwords and my supervisor has been wonderfully understanding that I was in the hospital and even allowed me to even make up the hours. In February, my nurse practitioner emphasized the need for me to continue therapy. Following my suicide attempt, I felt things weren't working out with the counselor I was seeing, so I found a new counselor at a student practicum clinic, through the local teaching college. Also, I wanted to try a natural approach instead of medicine and with my nurse practitioner's acceptance, tried St. John's Wort, an herbal supplement used for treating mild to moderate depression, as well as more frequently exercise and light therapy. I didn't take the St. John's Wort consistently enough & alternative medicine alone wasn't enough for the severity of depression I was experiencing, which resulted in my depression worsening, & another trip to the ER when I started having suicidal thoughts & didn't feel safe at the beginning of April (I was evaluated & released under my parents care). During the follow up visit, the nurse practitioner and I decided to try prescription anti-depressants again, this time another SSRI. I was still having severe depressive episodes and more frequently, now at least once a month.

My new therapist did some diagnostic testing and I was diagnosed as having major depression. This was a huge relief for me, because now I had an official name to what I was experiencing and it was more concrete to me. I started out on the lowest dose possible of the new SSRI, but it wasn't reliving any of the symptoms and at the therapeutic level, made me feel heavily sedated. I became physically and mentally exhausted, frustrated and discouraged from constantly battling depression. In hopelessness and despair, I made my second suicide attempt in May 2006, just over four months after the first one.

Early Wednesday afternoon (May 10th), I attempted to reach my nurse practitioner to schedule an appointment to discuss increasing the dose of my med because I wasn't seeing any changes and I was concerned about how bad I was feeling. Instead I was given to her medical assistant and told her that I wasn't doing well, but they weren't able to get me in sooner (because she only had short-notice availability during my work hours and I felt I shouldn't take any more time off work), so she I asked that I go in during walk-in hours, which was 2 days away. Well, in retrospective, I don't think the medical assistant understood the severity of the situation (nor maybe did I) and because I was having suicidal thoughts, I should of called their hotline & talked to one of their crisis counselors instead. At that point, I felt so alone, like no body cared and would help me. I got worse over the next 24 hours. By Thursday afternoon, I'd come to peace with the idea of ending my life. I left work early that afternoon, telling a co-worker I was feeling ill. I went to my boyfriend's apartment, knowing that he was out of town (not wanting to be found), and in desperation and despair, wanting to end the overwhelming emotional pain, I made another suicide attempt. I then laid down on the couch and while waiting for the end, asked God for forgiveness (I think divine intervention is what kept me alive). I drifted in and out of consciousness and my mom called my cell phone around 4 hours later, worried that I hadn't returned home. After talking to me on the phone, she could tell something was wrong and immediately came over. Seeing the condition I was in, she told me she was taking me to the hospital & I intially protested, but gave in. My dad met us there and his time at the ER, we had  to wait for what seemed like a long time (but probably was 15 min) for a room. Once I was taken back, like the previous time, they hooked me up to monitors, got my vital signs, & inserted an IV (only I didn't struggle this time). It was too late to pump my stomach so the nurses gave me two bottles of activated charcoal with a straw and an order to drink it (or they would give it to me by stomach tube). I repeatedly begged my mom to contact my boyfriend and let him know I was there. I wanted him by my side because I was scared more than anything, but otherwise I didn't reach out to anyone out of shame. Once again, I was held overnight in the ICU at the hospital for observation and my boyfriend stayed with me this time, allowing my mom go home to get some rest. The next day, my vital signs were stable and I was well enough to be released home. A hospital psychologist came in to speak with me and I was glad to see it was the kind psychologist who'd seen me before. Following the evaluation, when it came to time for him to ask me what I wanted to do, I was willing to be admitted to the psychiatric medical center in the same hospital, which was operated by the community mental health clinic. I wanted to go because I wanted help, I was still very depressed and having suicidal thoughts. Still, the thought of being admitted to a psych unit was a scary one because of not knowing what it'd be like. My admission was voluntary and would last 72 hrs, then we'd decide where to go from there.

It was a very safe and non-threatening environment. I was on an adult acute treatment unit, where the majority of the patients had mood disorders like me. Also, it was nothing like what is portrayed in the movie "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest," but rather it looked like a floor of a college dormitory, only with a nurse's station. I felt bad though, that my Mom had to come visit me in the psych unit of the hospital instead of my treating her on Mother's Day. Still, going to the psychiatric medical center helped, it was a chance to get my medication dosage adjusted while I was in a safe environment. I had an awesome psychiatrist there who used analogies and spoke at our level. Also I saw a clinical social worker (therapist/case manager), who was my karate class instructor, and while it was a bit humbling, I didn't feel judged, she was kind and got me taken care of.

Initially after I got out of the hospital, I struggled with depressive symptoms. I did attend the follow up appointments scheduled for me in the hospital as well as went to an appointment with my counselor at the University. During that time, I made some breakthroughs in a couple of issues in therapy & I'm glad the therapist didn't give up on me & supported me through it. Also, 3 weeks later I had another appointment with my nurse practitioner and we made some adjustments and tried different medication combinations over the next couple of months. My boyfriend and a couple of close friends who knew had been really supportive and encouraging. As for my parents, well they were supportive, but were having a hard time trusting that I was safe at home alone, understandably.

I had been on an SSRI for about 5 weeks consistently, but didn't see any improvements and at my last couple of appointments with my nurse practitioner, my depressive symptoms were markedly worse. In addition to depressive symptoms, I was having difficulty with my focus and energy as well and my work performance was suffering. I was experiencing what I can only describe as worsened depression and episodes of anxiety up to a couple of times a day.

I reached a point where I felt like the nurse practitioner was no longer able to help me, as we were out of treatment options and she was ready to put me on lithium, which can harm the kidneys & has a lot of side effects. My primary care doctor, who had taken the time to come to see me that last time I was in intensive care at the hospital, seemed to have both compassion and a knowledge of Eastern and Western medicine, so I went to see this doctor for a second opinion on the best medication for me and diagnosis. After the initial consultation and reviewing the notes from the psychiatrist at the hospital, he gave me a diagnosis of major depression with a possible genetic disposition. Based on my past history with medications interactions, and depression/ADD, he recommended a new atypical anti-depressant which was supposed to work on a few different neurotransmitters (the chemicals in our brain which regulate our mood, appetite, behavior, etc) called Effexor. After the medication change, my moods were a lot more stable and I hadn't had any pronounced side effects, that is until I had, looking back I'm pretty sure was, a hypomanic episode in July. I was afraid it was bipolar disorder, but the weird thing is that while there's a history of major depression in my family, bipolar depression is not. But for the mean time, my doctor put me on a couple different mood stabilizers, which helped, but made me feel sedated and my mind foggy.

Now into August, after the previously mentioned hypomanic episode I had or whatever it was in July, I continued to feel worse and I talked to my counselor about my how I've been doing depression wise and we looked over my mood tracking. Also, he asked questions and used reflective listening to help us understand what I was feeling. I wasn't feeling suicidal at the time, but did let him know about recent depressive/hypomanic episodes I've had. He seemed skeptical it was bipolar and advised that I review my medication with my doctor, we needed to make sure this is the right medication for me and I'm on the right dose. Later that week, I went into work as normal, but continued to feel more and depressed through the day and by mid afternoon, I just felt like I couldn't go on and planned on committing suicide after I got off work. But at the same time, there were times where I was better, so part of me knew I still had hope, so I went back to the break room to call my counselor. The counseling clinic was already closed for the day so I called the community mental health clinic hotline and talked to a counselor. After talking to the counselor, I called a close friend, who had been my rock and support through my depression, and asked her to come pick me up from work. My friend drove me to the hospital and stayed with me until a little while after my mom got there. My mom reassured me that I was doing the right thing. Basically, in my ER room, they took my vitals and I talked to a doctor. I was mentally out of it, groggy and slightly confused. I fell asleep and slept until the actual evaluation itself, which was done by a social worker from the community mental health clinic. After talking to my mom & I, she decided that I didn't need to be held overnight and we created a plan for safety, which included involving my mom more involved in my mental health care. Also she gave me their after-hours emergency hotline (which I of course already have) and the nurse said to come back in if anything changed or things became worse. The next day, I still felt depressed, but was defiantly more clear minded and more functional. I'm glad I called the hotline and went to the hospital.

Fast forward several months to April 2007. Once I got past the initial months of first being on the atypical anti-depressant, I was no longer experiencing hypomanic episodes and I eventually was taken off the mood stabilizer since I no longer needed it and the side effects outweighed the benefits. Also, I hadn't had a major depressive episode in a few months (and virtually no hypomania in around 10 months) and with my doctor's ok, I was off all meds, although continuing therapy. I was stable for the first time in over a year, I was engaged to be married, and had received a job promotion at the library. Life was good.

Unfortunately earlier in the year my paternal grandmother had been diagnosed with a cancerous brain tumor and in May, she lost her battle and I began to grieve. Also, the stress of planning my wedding caught up with me. At that time, I was diagnosed with treatment resistant depression and my doctor and I decided for me to go back on the Effexor as well as another atypical anti-depressant called "Wellbutrin," but I've got to admit that I wasn't exactly compliant either due to side effects. I got fed up with the constant hunger and weight gain I had experienced while on Effexor. I had expressed concerns about this with my general practitioner at a three month check-up and pretty much felt like my concerns about weight gain weren't taken seriously. I finally reached a point where I was fed up and frustrated and dropped the medication completely against medical advice, while still continuing the other anti-depressant in my regimen (Wellbutrin).

Then in about mid July, my mood took a downward turn very quickly and I didn't see it coming. On the day for my regular counseling appointment, I felt down and really didn't want to go, but knew I needed to because I wasn't feeling well. My counselor immediately sensed something was off. When I told my counselor what was going on, he became concerned and asked me to sign a no-self harm contract (which had been effective in the past). When I wouldn't, he told me he was concerned about my safety and wouldn't let me leave until he felt I was safe. He asked if I wanted to go to the hospital and I flatly told him, "Do what ever you feel you need to do." He thought about it for a few minutes and then asked if he could discuss my case with his supervisor and I nodded my head yes. After about 15 minutes, which felt like a life time, he returned and told me that they would like to send me to the hospital for an evaluation. At the hospital, I was put into the same examining room I was in for my first suicide attempt, which brought back bad memories. The attending physician decided it would be best if I was hospitalized on a psych unit for 72 hrs observation. While I was in the hospital, I started feeling better & got go outside to the court yard for fresh air and activity. I also had a different psychiatrist, who they changed my medication to Cymbalta, instead of Effexor, which I took in addition to the Wellbutrin. This combination worked better and I've on been this combination of anti-depressants for the last few years.

Today, I look back at how far I've come: I've learned and improved in my coping skills, learned to be aware of how I'm feeling, learned the warning signs of when my depression is worsening, reached out for support and found some great resources as well as strength in my friends and family which I didn't know I had. Sure, setbacks are bound to happen, but I can honestly say I'm in a better place than I was 5 years ago. The outlook for individuals with depression, who seek treatment is hopeful. By working with a qualified and experienced mental health care professional, you can regain hope, as I have.

Updates:
September 2013
Since I've last wrote, my marriage broke down & we divorced in 2012 (another story for another time) and I moved back to my hometown to be closer to family. While I was married, we were living in another city an hour and a half away and so I had discontinued seeing my counselor at the practicum clinic. Also, the medical practice where my primary care physician and physician assistant had diagnosed and treated my depression closed in 2011, at the time of original writing. While I didn't have a primary care doctor, I just used the local healthcare system urgent care center on the rare occasion I got sick and found a great psychiatrist, who took the time to listen.
Also, speaking of, psychiatrists, I just got out after another stay in the inpatient psychiatric center. Leading up to this, I had gone to my regular pharmacy to get my Wellbutrin refilled, but they pharmacy technician told me they didn't have it in stock but would be getting a delivery anytime. While waiting, the inevitable happened, I ran out of Wellbutrin and despite my efforts to manage my depressive symptoms, I spiraled downward. As I got to feeling worse, I didn't feel up to making the hour and a half drive to my see my psychiatrist but didn't want to burden my parents by asking them to drive. Knowing in my gut that I needed to see my counselor, I kept my counseling appointment at the local university practicum counseling clinic that day. After speaking with my counselor for a few minutes & telling her how I was feeling & probably noticing my disheveled appearance, she consulted with her supervisor, whom once again referred me to the hospital. I was given the option to drive myself voluntarily or to be taken by University police, so I opted for the former, with the caveat that the ER was expecting me, and if I didn't show up the police would be sent to find me. I arrived to the ER on my own and once signed in, the triage nurse asked that I sit near by. I obliged & sat in a swivel desk chair at the nearby empty volunteer's desk  Once I received a room, I was one of probably a dozen people waiting for psych evals in the ER, so I ended up bedding in the ER overnight and didn't end up seeing a social worker from the community mental health clinic until the next morning. This time, including the weekend, I stayed a total of 5 days. This time was different, it was rougher. I felt pretty anxious the entire time, and spent the evening in my ER room pacing and my first day on the psych unit pacing the hall. This time I chose not to reach out to anyone, including family, leaving me without much of a support system. There were no longer courtyard privileges or time outdoors, my roommate was challenging to say the least, there was very little in the way of theraputic activities, and I didn't get along with one of the older nurses. Also, despite letting the psychiatrist know I have treatment resistant depression and SSRIs haven't worked in the past, he insisted on trying another SSRI w/ the Wellbutrin. Not sure this SSRI is going to work, but I'll give it a month or two to see. Unfortunately, at the time of the follow up appointment at the practicum counseling clinic with my new counselor, she expressed that due to the severity of my case, the clinic didn't feel they could meet my needs & I would be better served by the community mental health clinic. In other words, I'm too much of a liability and was handed off. This left me without a counselor when I needed one the most, as I was still struggling w/ moderately severe symptoms after I was released. Based on my prior counseling experience with the community mental health clinic, I wasn't too keen on seeking counseling through them either. Fortunately I was able to find an affordable private practice psychologist near my home a short time later. Also, I've made the difficult decision to no longer see my psychiatrist, as his office is too far away & to seek care closer to home. I found a new, kind primary care physician through our local hospital health system & he is prescribing & managing my medications for now.

At the time I went into the hospital, I was working in home health, with inconsistent hours, and without benefits. I knew going into the hospital I wasn't sure how I was going to afford it, but also knew I needed to take care of my mental health first, and I'd figure out how to pay later. I had a high deductible, short term health insurance policy but unfortunately it had expired two weeks prior, resulting in my being responsible to pay for the full amount of the hospital bill, which was $13,000. Although I'm considered low-income, I don't qualify for traditional Medicaid because I'm not disabled and don't have any children (my state only covers family planning for single women) and the Affordable Care Act health care exchange plans don't begin until this coming January 1st. I've applied for patient assistance and with careful budgeting, am making monthly payments until the balance is paid off.

May 2014
Despite being compliant and consistently taking my meds, I've remained in a low mood and barely functioning & it's began to affect my work and overall wellbeing. It probably doesn't help that I gave up on therapy as well. Well, I'm ashamed to say, despite how far I'd come, I let myself get to the point of hopelessness and desperation and made another suicide attempt. This one was the most serious one yet and I didn't tell anyone or seek medical care, yet somehow I survived it. A couple days later, my mom put two and two together and figurered out about the suicide attempt. At her insisting, I went and saw the physician's assistant (from the primary care medical practice which closed), now working at a local urgent care clinic. He always seemed to know what he's doing, and re-prescribed Cymbalta and upped my Wellbutrin dose. Unfortunately, I couldn't continue to see him at urgent care for ongoing medication management because it's outside of their scope of practice. In the mean time, I will need to find a new primary care physician. Fortunately, through the Federal Healthcare Exchange, with income-based tax credits I now have affordable full-coverage health insurance, even if it is an HMO :P

March 2018
I've been stable and it has been almost 4 years since my last suicide attempt, although I've had my challenges along the way. This past spring, I was able to discontinue the Cymbalta and as a result have been the most clear headed and more present with those around me for the first time in a long time. Also, I have finally overcome my own stigma and shame to became a mental health advocate, both online and in my local community. In the meantime, I hope for continued mental wellness.

An Update...

Yeah, I realize I've taken a pretty long hiatus. My laptop has been down for the last 8 months and was just recently repaired. But truth be told, although I have computer and internet access at the local public library, I just haven't felt like blogging much as of late. Maybe it's my depression, maybe it's my chaotic work schedule, I don't know. But do know that I will be checking in from time to time and posting sporadicly. So to my regular readers, I ask that you don't give up hope on me yet and to my visitors and new readers, I say welcome!

My Experience at a Planned Parenthood

I went to Planned Parenthood last year and saw a nurse practitioner for my annual exam. You may be wondering, because I identify as pro-life, why I'd find myself in a Planned Parenthood. Well, although I had health insurance, it was a high deductible plan and we were tight on money, plus I wanted to see what the organization was like for my self..According to the National Planned Parenthood website, they list female infertility as one of their services, in addition to routine preventive care. I signed in and During the course of the exam, I explained that I have been diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome), one of the most common female endocrine disorders. I explained my concerns regarding the negative health implications associated with this condition and requested a medication to treat the symptoms. She replied that all she could offer was the regular birth control pill.. I tried to explain that I didn't want the Pill, I'd experienced too many side effects and my husband and I were open to pregnancy. Even so, she continued to encourage to me to re-consider taking the Pill and I felt like I didn't have much of a choice, between treating the symptoms of my condition or keeping my fertility. At no time during our discussion were any other options given. She continued to encourage me to take a script for the pill, although I was not interested. Getting no where and frustrated, I ended my appointment and took the script for a birth control pill of l which I had no intention of filling, so I could get out of there. I remained polite however and signed out at the desk and left. I later did some research and learned there are several other medications which can be prescribed to treat the symptoms of and address the underlying cause of PCOS without preventing fertility. Apparently this PP wasn't equipped to provide infertility services or treat abnormal female reproductive conditions, nor did their staff seem interested in providing services to help me become pregnant.

More About Me

Some interesting questions have been raised, as well as implied, in the course of discussions with others on political blogs and I would like to take the time to answer these questions as well as provide an opportunity for you, my readers, to get to know me better.

Question: You've mentioned that you have been a peer counselor for 10 years. Did you have any sort of training? When and where does your experience come from?

In the spring of 1999, I began peer ministry through a local church's highschool youth group, which ended the following summer. In peer ministry, we trained to be peer counselors through role-playing, a work book, discussions, and peer evaluation. Some vital key points we learned were: reflective and active listening, how to provide non-judgemental responses and advice, guidance through basic problem solving, with an emphasis on confidentiality unless the person was in danger of harm or death & refer to a professional if issue is severe. Issues we learned about included: unplanned pregnancy, illegal drug use, underage drinking, and depression/suicide.

From 2002 until January 2004, I maintained a now defunct website (seen here), with a section of information on unplanned pregnancy and provided an e-mail where men and women could contact me for advice and support. Basically I would guide and support them through the decision-making process using active and reflective listening and basic problem solving skills and connected them with resources in their communities to further meet their needs. I received and answered up to 5 e-mails a week.

May 17, 2003, I completed and received a certificate for 6 contact hours of Infant Adoption Awareness Adoption Liason training  (Provided by the National Council for Adoption, through a grant from the state of Indiana. Training personnel provided by Bethany Christian Services)

In 2003, I created a Yahoo! Group Pregnant_Teen_Support, a peer support group for teens (12-20yrs) who are facing an unplanned, unexpected, or unwanted pregnancy, with an emphasis on politically neutrality and non-judgementalism. Today, the group has over 400 members and I have stepped down to co-moderator due to pressing issues in my personal life.

Also, I have become an accepted member at the following online unplanned pregnancy/abortion recovery support communities starting in 2004: Yahoo! Groups: I Might Be Pregnant, IVIllage Abortion Support Board, and the PASS Support Boards.

Question: What are your spiritual/philosophical beliefs?

Answer: I consider myself an agnostic theist. I was born and raised a Catholic, but in my college years I choose to leave the Catholic Church and started attending my husband's church, a small congregation (less than 100 members) which at the time was afffiliated with the United Methodist church. My parents jokingly call me a "Matholic" a combination of Catholic and Methodist :P At that time that I felt very much at home in a United Methodist church because of their scripturally based beliefs (sola scriptura), emphasis on mission work, traditional services, very similiar to the Catholic mass, traditional music, and more conservative stance on political issues. However as time went on, a series of life events led me to start doubting my faith and the existance of a Christian god or higher power(s). I no longer found comfort in or the answers I was seeking in the Christian faith, nor did I idenify with any of the world religions, which led me to identify myself as agnostic two years ago in 2008. I do not believe in multiple gods/godesses, but I am undecided about whether or not one omnipresent, benevolent god/godess exists. My spouse is a practicing Christian and does not agree with my decision and so I do attend church from time to time with my husband to maintain relationship harmony.

Question: What are your political beliefs?

Answer: I would consider myself a moderate, voting democratically on some issues and republican on others. My politically beliefs on the various issues are described here.

Question: But don't you oppose abortion and contraception based on moralistic, bible-based thinking? Didn't we even see a blog entry where you clearly made biblical references in oppositon to abortion?

From when I began to write this blog in 2004 until about mid 2008, I did indeed write a couple of spirituality based entries, at a time when I still believed in the Christian god, but was starting to doubt my faith. These entries can be found under my Religion and Spirituality post tag. There is one entry, written in late 2004, entitled Political Corruption in the Church, in which I took the United Methodist Church and other Christian denominations to task for taking a pro-choice stance based on false and loose interpretations of the Christian faith. You will find this is the only entry on my blog where I make biblical references in oppositon to abortion, which at the time 5 years ago, was made when I still believed in the Christian Faith. However  my beliefs have changed over the years and these days my primary reasons for opposing abortion are based on social, ethical, and medical reasons, and thus these are the basis of my writings on abortion from mid 2005 on. I do not believe in making abortion illegal. Rather I believe we would benefit from: more medical regulation of abortion practices, changing hearts and minds with education and knowledge, reducing the need for abortion through a focus on preventing unplanned pregnancy with availability of contraception and sex education, a better support system for pregnant and parenting women who are working or continuing their education, and addressing the societal pressures which lead women to abortion.

Off to the Race!

Earlier today, I attended the 94th running of the Indianapolis 500. My husband and I started preparing a backpack for the race the night before. Sunscreen, check. Hats, check. Non-parishable food, check. My Epipen for in case I get stung by a bee, check. We got up at eight am (later than we wanted) and got dressed for the day and packed our cooler with a sack lunch and dinner. We met our friends at their apartment on the west side of Indy about nine am, but didn't leave until  about nine-thirty am and got stuck in slow moving traffic in the smoldering heat for two hours (it was already around a humid ninety degrees by this point). Finally we decided to just park and walk and so parked at five dollars parking at a bar and walked the rest of the two and a half miles, a fourty-five minute walk to the race track with our coolers, back packs, and gallon jug of water. We arrived at the race right during the opening ceremony. We had free tickets from my father-in-law, for seats in the National Guard section, on turn four, at the beginning of the straight way. They were great seats, four rows up from the track, but in the direct sun and man was it hot! Overall it was a great experience, though and I've included pictures below. Also, I found more great pics from the Indy 500 by another user on Photobucket, which can be seen here

Hiatus Interrupted

As you may have noticed, I've taken a recent hiatus, sans an occasional entry or comment on other's blogs. Recently I've started working again in direct care with the developmentally disabled, now for a different agency. Also, I was in the process of completing my CNA (or nurse aide) certification, which I'm happy to say, I completed 105 contact hours of training (lab/lecture and clinicals) and passed the state certification exam this morning. I hope to return to writting again, although it may be infrequent due to a hectic work schedule.

Hello!

I just wanted to pop in and say hello. My blogging is going to be lighter for the next few weeks, as I'm taking six to eight week CNA (certified nursing assistant) or nurse aide certification course . Having worked for two years in direct care with the developmentally disabled, I've found that I enjoy providing compassion and care to patients and I think I've found my niche.

Volunteering at the Local Soup Kitchen Tuesday Mornings

I'm living back in my hometown temporarily and so I've begun every other Tuesday, volunteering at the local soup kitchen with a family member, where we distribute hot meals and sack lunches to low income and homeless individuals and families. The soup kitchen is operated by the Catholic church across the street and is located in the basement of the old catholic school, meals are prepared and served in the kitchen and clients eat in the old cafeteria. Also in the basement, next door to the kitchen, is a day room where clients can receive educational tutoring, assistance with GED course work and job applications, Dress for Sucess and Share You Soles clothing for employment, and on some days just serves as a safe, warm place where they can relax, watch movies, and socialize with others. Also, up on the first floor is a St. Vincent DePaul resale store. I've been volunteering with the soup kitchen for the last eight years, off and on, as times allows and the regular volunteers and the director know me. When we got there around 8:30 and the hot food was already prepared and sack lunches ready to go, as sometimes meals are prepared in advance. A few of the regular inviduals we serve often choose to give back and volunteer and were washing the tables in the dinning room and emptying the trash cans for us. Shortly after we arrived, Second Harvest food bank made a delivery of fresh produce and various milk products, so I helped put away food. I noticed that we had a bushel of patatoes, more patotoes than we knew what to do with, and had gotten fresh produce in, and so suggested to the director that maybe we could make my grandmother's famous patotoe soup recipe. She liked the idea and so I set to cleaning and peeling patotoes. I got the patotoes done and had a minute to sit down, but I'm always looking around to see if there's anything that needs done. Today's menu consists of hot vegetable soup (made this morning), salad, yogurt sticks,  fruit cocktail, and orange juice or water, plus they can choose to get a sack lunch to take with them (consisting of a sandwhich, piece of fruit, chips, and a desert), and extras such as loaves of bread, and heads of lettuce. We opened the door and started serving at 9:30 (we serve until 11am) and I was right upfront, distributing the meals,  as well as pouring more juice and washing trays as needed. We served an estimated 85 individuals, about average for a given day.

Adventures in Plasma Donation

Ok, so since I'm strapped for cash right now and I've been a blood donor before, I'm considering donating plasma. I've already looked into the whole process and the place where I'd be going and it looks clean and the process appears to be safe, and there is a strict screening process for donors. Apparently these places are regulated by the FDA and an independent regulatory organization and are basically operated by pharmaceutical companies, which then use the plasma to manufactor medications for those with clotting disorders, immune disorders, burns, etc. But I have some concerns because donating plasma seems to carry stigma based on some of the cientele they receive and because you receive money in return. I have an appointment this Monday and am a bit nervous.

Update 2/02:
Ok, it's Monday and my first appointment. I wasn't able to get anyone else to go with me, both my best friend and my parents are firmly against selling plasma for ethical reasons. So I borrowed a family member's pickup truck (remember, I'm still without a vehicle since my car accident in December) and went to my appointment by myself. I made sure to have the required identification documents (letter of proof of social security number from the social security office, driver's license, and a piece of mail for proof of mailing address), a book to read, and my CD player with a book on CD to pass the time during the wait and procedure. The first thing I noticed when I walked in was 1) How busy they were 2) All the staff handling clients apeared to be phlebotomists and other medical professionals (including those operating the front desk) and were using universal precautions and wearing lab coats, 3) How clean and ultra-modern the place looked, and 4) They have a nice supervised playroom for the children of clients. After a short wait, they got my information put into the computer, my finger print scanned (to login each time), took me back to the procedure area and had a phlebotomist check my veins, then took me back up front and showed me how to do the automated medical history questionare on a self-service computer. After I filled out the history questionare, I was then taken into a small private office to review my history questionare with one of the medical staff. She reviewed my prescription medications and asked what condition they were for, and how long I've been taking them, but seemed particularly interested in the medication I'm on for depression. Uh oh, I thought, something's wrong, that isn't on the medication deferral list (I know from being a whole blood donor). She then took me back to her office/examine room for a short physical examination to make sure that donating won't adversely affect my health, a part of the normal screening process. On the way back, out of curiousity, I asked what her titled was and she told me licensed nurse practioner, with a bit of an attitude (like, "Why'd you ask that?") but over all was professional. Once we were in her office, she explained that I couldn't donate today, that I'd need to be on my medication for 30 days to make sure the medication was at its peak dose in my blood stream, because the medication is present in plasma and when a person donates plasma, it can temporarily lower the amount of medication in ones blood stream. Because of this, she explained, for certain medical conditions, where a patient needs to have their medication consistantly in their blood stream, they would need the prescribing doctor's approval before they can let the person donate, and such as my case and they would need my physician's approval before they can let me donate.

She then had me fill out a release of information form and handed me a form to have my primary care physician, who's been treating me for my depression, to fill out and to fax back to the plasma center. Then the medical director of the plasma center has to review what my physician wrote to determine whether or not I'm eligable to donate. Well, that was that. I need to get a physical because I'm going back to school and I'm due for an annual medication review for my depression anyways, so after leaving the plasma center, I headed over to my primary care physician's office to drop off the form and to schedule an appointment. So I have an appointment at my primary care physician next Monday and may have to wait until I've been on my medicine for 30 days before I can donate, depending on what my primary care doc writes on the form for the plasma center and if the plasma center director approves me. Darn! I was hoping I could start donating today, not to mention I've been drinking like a liter and a half of Gatorade (sports drink electrolyte replacement) over the last 24 hours so I'm adequitely hydrated in anticipation of donating and really had to pee! So that was my initial experience and the place I'm going to looks clean and safe and as you can see, it's a thorough screening process, not just anyone off the street can donate plasma. Despite all lengthy screening process and challenges which have arose, if I'm approved, I'd like to still donate.

Update 2/9:
It's been a week and so I followed up with the plasma center via a phone call to see if they had received the form back from my physician's office and if my physician had given the ok for me to donate and apparently he had. Now I just have to wait until I've been on my medicine for a month before I can make the actual appointment to donate.

Update 3/10:
I had an actual donation appointment today, but because I hadn't ate an actual meal beforehand (meal replacement shakes don't count I guess) and they prefer you do as to minimize side effects, they deferred me until tomarrow, but went ahead and took a test tube of blood to test for any blood-borne pathogens (such as HIV and viral hepatitis) which might make my blood and blood products unsafe to use, a normal part of the screening process. Normally the screening process, the physical, medical questionare, and test tube of blood are all done in one appointment, but because I had to have a physician's ok, it was a bit more drawn out.

Update 3/11:
Yea, I was able to donate today! I made sure to eat a good breakfast this time before my appointment. I got there a little early and got logged in at the front desk and because I was a first time donor, I got a bag of gold-fish crackers and a bottle of water to drink. Once I finished my snack, I filled out an automated medical history questionare on a self-service computer. I then was called to chair along a large round counter where a phlebotomist (or lab tech) weighed me (to determine how much plasma can be donated), took my blood pressure and temperature, and took a finger-prick of blood to check the iron and protein levels in my blood. Everything was good, so next I proceeded to a large room where the actual plasma donation would take place, and took a seat in a recliner next to a plasmapheresis machine. Donating plasma is similar in many ways to whole blood donation. First a blood pressure cuff is put around my arm and then the tech hooked up the disposable tubing. Then the tech will felt for a vein in the bend of my arm and marked it, my skin was cleaned well with betadine, and a needle is inserted into the vein. I know having a needle inserted interveinously isn't fun, but honestly I think the finger prick hurt more than having the needle inserted. The machine was then set for the amount of plasma to be collected and the process begain. In the first cycle, blood is drawn through the needle and into tubing, up into a spinning tube which seperates the plasma from the rest of the blood products, the blood products then run out of the tube, down a line where it mixes with an anticoagulant (to keep it flowing) and collects in a small resevoir. Once a pint of blood has been collected in the resevoir, the machine stops and enters the next cycle, in which the blood and is then pumped back into the body. The anticoagulant used (citric acid) gave me an awful metallic taste in my mouth and made my lips tingle at first. Once the resevoir is empty again, the first cycle begins again and this continues until 520 to 820 ml of plasma is collected. Once the process is complete, the machine automatically switched off, with the machine chirrpring and moniter screen showing the process is complete. Then the phlebotomist then changed the settings so that an infusion of normal saline drip was given to help rehydrate me and prevent dizziness; however at normal room temperature (15 to 20 degrees below normal body temperature), the saline feels cold and made me shiver, I think next time I'll bring a blanket! The tape holding the tubing in place on my arm was removed (and I got free hair removal on my arm :p) and the needle was removed and a piece of colorful elastic bandage was wrapped around my arm. I got a purple one, only my favorite color. I felt well with no side effects and so was released. I then checked out on the finger scanner, receiving $20 credited a a debit card I received, a worthy incentive I might add. Overall, the process wasn't that bad nor that big of a deal and I look forward to donating again in the near future.

Also, the following is a pretty thorough, honest, and informative article about plasma donation:
Pimping For Plasma - The Truth Behind Plasma “Donations”

Winter Holiday Quizes :-)

You Are Cider

Your holiday personality is cozy. The holidays are your favorite time to stay home, stay warm, and spend time with those you love. You don't need a lot to make you happy over the holidays. Seeing an old relative or favorite holiday film is enough to make your day.

What Holiday Drink Are You?

You Are Flannel Pajamas

You seek comfort above everything else. You rather feel good than look good. You are a very relaxed person, especially when you're surrounded by your favorite things and people. You are a homebody. Home is the place where you can truly be yourself. You are likely to wear pajamas a lot. In fact, you often change into your pj's the minute you get home!

What Kind of Pajamas Are You?

Just Something Fun

More fun quizes to give us a break from the daily grind.

You Are Chocolate Fudge Brownie Ice Cream

You just don't know when you've had enough (or too much)!

What Flavor Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream Are You?

Yep, that's me, especially in referring to chocolate :-)

Thrill of the Chaste: Meeting Dawn Eden

Last night I had the privledge of meeting Dawn Eden, well-known journalist, blog mistress of The Dawn Patrol, & new book author when she came to Holy Name Catholic Church in Beech Grove, Indiana on January 24 to give a presentation on her new book, The Thrill of the Chaste: Finding Fullfillment While Keeping Your Clothes On. You can find an auditory recording of her presentation linked atop the right-hand side of their parish web page (right above "Father Stan's Homilies"). Also, Sean Gallagher of the Archdiocese of Indianapolis' Criterion has a great write up on her presentation, "Rebel with a cause: In Beech Grove, Dawn Eden shares her journey to chastity"
Upon arriving at the church, I was pleasantly surprised to see long-time Dawn Patrol commentor and long-time family friends, Uncle Jim and his wife, Roseanne. It was wonderful to see them again and to catch up with what is going on in our lives. Unfortuantly the evening of Ms. Eden's visit turned out to be on one of the coldiest nights of the year with temperatures dropping below zero last night, no doubt a shock. But take heart Ms. Eden & other visitors, the temperatures are milder, ranging from thirty to sixty degrees, in the Spring. I enjoyed her presentation & visit and hopes she returns soon.

Ms. Eden and Rachael

Loosing a Loved One to Cancer

My Grandmother, at age 71, was diagnosed with a Glioblastoma multiforme (a stage 4 malignant astrocytoma brain tumor) in the right hemosphere of her brain in February of this year. Despite immediate surgery to remove the most of tumor and chemo/radiation treatment, she sucombed to the tumor at the end of May. She was a wonderful caring women and was loved by her family and losing her to the cancer was difficult.
Pictures of our beloved "Granny" can be found in my Myspace Photo Album

Another family has shared similiar trials and tribulations. Little Mila was just 2yrs old when on September 6, 2006 she was diagnosed with a terminal glioma astrocytoma. The tumor was located on her brain stem and because of her age, the tumor was inoperable and she was unable to undergo treatment. Mila's mother and their friend, Gavin Booth share the joys of having Mila in their lives as well as their challenges in the following videos:
Andi & Mila: In the Arms of the Angel
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m58-Oj1SehE
Advetures In Mila-Land Parts 1-5
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jaUy0haVAiM
Mila Forever
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0RlF2ZVBFUA
Sadly, I just found out Mila succombed to the tumor this afternoon. May she rest in peace among the angels. My thoughts are with their family.

Just for Fun: Star Wars Quizes

Fun quizes to give us a break from the daily grind.

What Force User Are You? created with QuizFarm.com You scored as Obi-Wan Kenobi. Obi-Wan Kenobi: The Mentor. Obi-Wan Kenobi 79% Master Yoda 58% Mace Windu 50% Qui-Gon Jinn 50% Count Dooku 46% Random Jedi 42% Luke Skywalker 38% Darth Sidious 33% Anakin Skywalker 29% Darth Vader 21% Darth Maul 21%

Which Star Wars Original Trilogy Hero Are You? created with QuizFarm.com You scored as Luke Skywalker. You are the Jedi Knight Luke Skywalker. You have just left the moisture farm, and the time has come to take up the great tradition of sorcery and wisdom that comes with being a Jedi. Plus that cool lightsaber you get to use. Luke Skywalker 60% Chewbacca 55% Han Solo 30% Which Revenge of the Sith Character are you? created with QuizFarm.com You scored as Padme Amidala. Padme Amidala 78% Anakin Skywalker 61% Yoda 58% Clone Trooper 56% R2-D2 53% C-3PO 44% Obi Wan Kenobi 42% Darth Vader 39% General Grievous 31% Mace Windu 31% Chewbacca 19% Emperor Palpatine 17% Light Jedi or Dark Jedi? created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as neutral. You're neither. You're not quite good enough to be part of the Light Jedi. However, you're also not evil enough to join the Dark Side. You don't really fit in anywhere- you'd never be committed enough to be part of The Light Side, and you'd get your ass kicked on the Dark Side. Oh well, neutral people never appear in the movies much anyways... neutral 75% light jedi 40% dark jedi 10%

Just for Fun: More Quizes

More fun quizes to give us a break from the daily grind.

"What Condom Flavor are You? "

Strawberry
You are very unique, and like to try different things, you have an alright attitude, and are often hyper!
Take This Quiz

Right on!

"What Religion Bests Suits You?"

Average Christian
You're not going to become a minister anytime soon, but you do your best to live your life in a Christian way. This means that although you probably don't attend church every Sunday, you do your best to follow the Ten Commandments, help the needy and generally be an all around good person. Who needs to follow the entire bible anyways? It was written ages ago, and Christ transmuted it by giving his life.
Take This Quiz

Yeah, that sounds about right about me nowadays.

"Which Care Bear Are You?"

You Are Friend Bear!
Need a good friend? Friend Bear would love to be your best buddy bear. She's the perfect example of a friend, too. She's caring, likes to play with you and she's fun to be with. She has a friendly symbol on her tummy. Two smiling flowers!
Take This Quiz

I'm loyal and honest. And I'm always there if a friend needs to talk or a shoulder to cry on.

QUIZ: Am I a Romantic or Realistic?

Another fun quiz to give us a break from the daily grind.

You Are A Romantic

You are more romantic than 80% of the population. You life your life like a fairy tale... or at least you try to. Living for magical moments, you believe there's only one true love for you. Love is the most important thing in your life, and you don't take it for granted. Your perfect match loves to be in love as much as you do!

Are You Romantic or Realistic?

Yeah, that sounds right :)

EDIT: Post release date moved to Valentines Day

QUIZ: What's Your Political Persuasion?

You Are a Liberal Republican

When you tell people that you're Republican, they rarely believe you. That's because you're socially liberal - likely pro-choice and pro-gay rights. You're also not so afraid of big goverment, as long as it benefits people and not politicians. You are the most likely of any Republican type to swing over to the Democrat side sometimes.

What political persuasion are you?

Yes, I am somewhat of a liberal Republican on some issues and conservative on others. Below were my responses for the questions (composing this quiz) to give you a better view of my stance on individual issues:

1. Sex between consenting adults should be:
A: Legal and left alone

I feel that there should be certain moral and ethical standards regarding sexual behavior, but it's not the government's responsibility to enforce them. Issues such as homosexuality, sex ed, and abstinence are best left to be taught in the home. However, incest is a societal and pyschological problem.

2. Marijuana should be:
A. Available to medical patients.

Marijuana has some medical properties (i.e. pain relief for those who suffer chronic pain when traditional pain relievers have become ineffective; also relieves nausea for patients undergoing chemo therapy). However there will need to be regulations placed to prevent misuse and abuse of prescribing privledges.

3. Do you think people should be able to control their own retirement (i.e. privatize social security)?
A. Probably not - though a small amount of privitazation might be okay

I don't know a lot about the issues surronding social security.

4. Who should get a tax cut?
A. Only the poor and the middle class

Once a mutual friend and I were discussing tax breaks (in a civil matter, it was good dialouge) and he told me that my stance on tax breaks is actually democratic. The poor and middle (working class) don't need to be burdened more than they already are. It seems that often the poor struggle for safe and healthy living conditions and both the middle class and lower class struggle to afford post-secondary education and a complete range of healthcare sevices while they are affordable for the rich. I do believe in government aid for those who sincerely need it to help them get back on their feet, but not for who abuse it.

5. Replacing government welfare with church and private charities is:
A. Smart. Businesses are always better at getting things done than goverments.

Let's return to the focus of community i.e. neighbors helping out neighbors, but I would hope though that the government would continue to provide funding assistance through grants. I do see a lot of wonderful, beneficial charities out there right now that need volunteers, supplies, and charitable funding.

6. Who would you trust the most?
A. Your minister / pastor / priest

I would like a leader that is honest, lives a life similar to most working class Americans, and see things more on the humanitarian level (rather than popularity and political gain). However I'm wary of them as leaders standardizing religious and moral beliefs. Current politicians frustrate me soo much. I take issue with: dishonesty in regards to government and contry issues, poor management of the government budget and the economy, flip-flopping moral/political views back and forth to gain popularity and get voted into office. It's got to be better than the selection of politicians we have now.

7. Abortion is:
A. Wrong.

LOL, the results of the quiz are slightly off, I affiliate myself with being pro-life but lean towards the middle.

I have witnessed the effects of the abortion revolution her generation brought about, and I say it has not solved anything. Abortion on demand has not made men respect women more, it has not made it easier for women to refuse unwanted sexual advances, it has not reduced the consequences of early sexual activity and pregnancy (if anything a teen can easily have an abortion to erase the "mistake"), and it has not healed the emotional wounds of rape and incest victims.

I believe abortion hurts the very women it was supposed to heal.

I believe abortion gives men the freedom to be irresponsible.

I believe abortion gives society an excuse to ignore and spurn young mothers.

I believe that motherhood is not the end of life, but its beginning.

I believe that life begins at conception and the unborn is a unique, individual, human being in the early stages of human life.

I believe in choice: I believe no woman should be raped, forced or coerced into sexual relations. I believe that a woman who partakes in consensual sex has already made a choice - she is choosing by her actions to accept the possible consequence of a child.

I believe that many women who choose abortion do so out of a feeling of desperation. According to the Alan Guttmacher Institute, over 90% of women have an abortion due to social and financial concerns. Abortion is a reflection that we [as a society] have not met the needs of women facing unplanned pregnancy in terms of emotional support, resources, and viable alternatives. These women need to know that we will not let them down. They need help to have their babies. They need healing after abortion. They need love.

I believe making abortion illegal again and locking up women who have abortions would in no way help society. What first must be done is to focus on improving life affirming options for mother and child, to reduce the need for abortion (i.e. developing a better support system, address the societal pressures which lead women to abortion) and hold men accountible for their actions.

I believe abortion should be reserved for women whose physical health is at risk, and the proper screening should be provided, including psychological counselling.

I believe abortion providers should be monitored and regulated more diligently for quality of care and safety and should be required to meet the same medical and ethical standards practiced for any other medical procedure.

I do support preventing unplanned pregnancy through legalized contraception.

8. Are you for or against school vouchers?
A. For

Perhaps my view is jaded on this because I grew up going to a Catholic school. However, I do believe that every parent has the right to choose the method of which their child will be educated (whether it be by homeschooling, a tutor, a private school, or a public school).

9. Are you for or against legalized gambling?
A. For

With regulations, I think legalized gambling would not be a social burden. It would provide revenue for the government, jobs, and commercial business. Of course, I recognize the negative issues of increased crime and gambling addiction (but it's up to the indivual to seek counseling, as with any other addiction). But these issues properly addressed, would become a non-issue.

10. The size of goverment is:
A. Just about right

11. Who do you wish you could vote for?
A. Argh, no one

12. Finally, which party do you most affiliate yourself with?
A. Republican